LJI-M 2024 02 - Sankofa

[hangedkay]

“I am Looking Forward to Looking Back” - Groovelily

My parents raised me with guidelines based mostly on their own failures. Neither of them were particularly happy about the way their lives turned out, so their primary rule for me was that I should always be thinking about my future. The past is gone. The present is temporary. But the future is forever. The opportunities to come are numerous, and if we are not prepared for them, if we do not study and practice and observe, we will find the doors leading to the best outcomes will be closed to us, or worse yet, we will miss noticing them at all.

It was a mindset that would drive my decisions all through my youth and much of my adulthood. I played nearly every sport, tried every instrument I could get my hands on, took advanced placement classes in every subject my school provided, and went to camps and night school in the summer to learn both new skills and new technology. As an only child, I had my parents’ full attention, and their spare money, which they devoted to trying to give me a better life than they had. They drove me to every event and supported every aspect of my childhood in order to provide me with the opportunity to learn and experience the wide varieties of things that would eventually enable me to make the most of my future.

Their clear expectation was that while I would be a “Jack of all trades” to start with, I would one day find that path that would make me “King of one”. No one knew what that one thing would be, other than it would be important. When the right opportunity arrived, I would be ready. I would be able. And I would be, or so I thought, willing.

There is a lot of pressure with an upbringing like mine to not make the wrong decision. Any decision made could be the wrong one, could close off the “best possible future”. Or worse, it could put one on the path to “the darkest timeline”. It can be paralyzing. To be ready for anything is sometimes to be ready for nothing at all.

My parents are both many years gone now, but their impact on my way of thinking, on my way of making decisions, held on well into my forties. After high school, I went to a liberal arts college with a strong science program to get the full range of experience. I went on to more schooling after that - a trade school, law school, even an apprenticeship. I had multiple careers, sometimes in parallel. I made friends and enemies of all sorts. I dated multiple partners of various persuasions, sometimes at once, sometimes with their knowledge.

I never stuck with any one thing too long. I kept my mind open. I kept trying new things. I kept learning. I kept preparing for that perfect door. I never looked back.

I never settled on any one career, any one partner, any one place to live, any one goal.

And then one day, I turned fifty, and I wondered for the first time if, after all that preparation, I had somehow missed the “right door” along the way. I had never before let myself consider the possibility - I had been too wrapped up in who I might one day be to believe I might fail to find it.

Call it an epiphany. Call it paranoia. I called it a breakdown - another new experience for me at least. And after recognizing it for what it was, I gave in to the pressure and went to see someone.

A scientist, of course. What, you thought I would consider seeing a shrink? I was still too sure of myself for that, even then.

I had to analyze my situation quickly so I could move forward. My unwitting partner in this was a “causal expert” who worked in the field of mass probability. By this I mean he worked with large scale probability issues, not that he was into weight or density of matter. His area of expertise is best described as a combination mathematical-sociological science that is loosely based on Asimov’s “psychohistory” from the fictional Foundation series, though most scientists in the field try to distance themselves from that term, if not the writer.

For those who are not aware, psychohistory is a type of large-scale fortune telling, a science which the main character uses to foresee the upcoming fall of a galactic empire and the massive dark age to follow, an impending reality that this character then tries to manipulate just enough to mitigate the oncoming harm.

Causal experts do a similar review of information and history to determine actual inflection points that already happened to learn about how we might better foresee such points before they arrive in the future. It is backwards facing for now, in hopes to become forward facing later.

As you can imagine, this concept took hold of me like few others before, and before I knew it, I was years into studying and analyzing and theorizing. However, my area of concentration was a great deal less worldly than my fellow scientist. My laser focus was on me and my life and my decisions and things that had caused my personal lost potential. Looking back, I was trying to find that door that I missed. And in so doing, I was trying to find out what exactly I should have been the “King of” by now, and maybe even what had happened to prevent that.

What I found was, to the say the least, more than just a bit disquieting.

There was no door. I hadn’t missed anything. It simply never existed.

Not only that, when I analyzed different choices, eliminated different obstacles or events that had changed my course, the result was the same. There never was going to be a door. People say that every choice one has made in life leads you to right here, where you are, right now. And in my case it was true, not only of the choices I had made, but of every other choice I might have made.

I am now right where I have to be, not because I want to be, but because I could not avoid it.

So maybe it is better stated: there is only one door, still just up ahead. And every different path I could have taken was still leading me straight towards it.

Is a door still a door if you cannot choose to not go through it?

Was this all preordained? Predetermined? Fated? I never believed in such things before.

Do I now?

Well, no, not exactly. What I believe, nay, what I have scientifically proven, is that I am quickly approaching a personal singularity. A place where all my roads had to lead. Inevitably.

And what I have learned is that I wasted all my time worrying about being prepared for something that I could never help but be prepared for. I was always going to be here, now, with this knowledge of this door that isn’t a door. The only difference was the route taken to get here, the varying past experiences. At some point I was always going to wonder, I was always going to study, and I was always going to learn about my own causal certainty, my own personal outcome.

But instead of choosing a fulfilling road, instead of seeing everything along the way, instead of really experiencing the now of every moment, I missed it all in an attempt to look ahead to an unknown future that ended up being inevitable.

All those things I could have done at the time. Instead, I made choices to prepare myself for what I was sure I would do one day.

I was wrong.

Wow. That was not easy for me to admit. I am also stubborn, apparently.

My life could have been - should have been - about gathering experiences to enjoy in the moment and to look back on with fondness and laughter and tears and every other emotion I had cut from my life. To create a history to bring with me past this unmoving singularity. For that is all I will have. And now, instead, I find I am not ready to go through that one inevitable door.

And once that realization came to me, not only was my next step clear, it was, dare I say, predestined.

And so, today I begin my first trip of many. Back to where I started. To live another version of my life. A different one. A life worth looking back on. One more time from cradle to grave.

This next time I will make better decisions.

This next time, I will be ready for the door.


Addendum: This may take a few more trips.

Second Addendum: Replace “may” with “will” and “a few” with “many”.

Third Addendum: So that’s what all that déjà vu was all about.

Final(?) Addendum: Infinity is a really long time.

Comments

[bleodswean]

I love every word of this. Can life be lived metaphorically.

[hangedkay]

I think the answer to that question depends very strongly on one's definitions of "life" and "live" (and maybe even "metaphorically"). I am glad you enjoyed it.

[muchtooarrogant]

I read Asimov's Foundation series as a kid and loved it. I never quite bought it, but certainly enjoyed the concept. I had no idea people were actually trying to recreate that model in real life. Fascinating.

I suspect trying everything and committing to nothing was both exhilarating and incredibly stressful. Thank you for sharing this thought provoking entry.

Dan

[hangedkay]

There is no science fiction that is not either based in fact before, nor that people do not attempt to turn into fact later. Asimov was a scientist first and a fiction writer second. I sometimes wonder if in some of his fiction he was trying to influence the world into creating his own version of the future. Or prevent it.

[mollywheezy]

I was raised very similarly to how you were, so very much related to this. I loved how you ended this, especially "So that’s what all that déjà vu was all about." ;)

[hangedkay]

Oh man, deja vu has bothered me my entire life. I could write books just on my different theories of what it might actually mean.

[thephantomq]

ah yes -- always being concerned with the future definitely makes living in the present moment -- the now -- so much harder.

I liked the end of this; the implication that the narrator has tried multiple times by now to do all the things, to be more present in each subsequent attempt at the same life. Will they ever succeed? Who knows.

[hangedkay]

I fear that looping through the same life trying to create different outcomes has the same difficulty of truly living in the present. On a similar note, I am intrigued by how many religions include future reincarnation, but not "same life" reincarnation. Yet our stories and movies use that looping idea so often.

[fausts_dream]

I love Asimov, of course...but my brother who didn't read as much, he was his favorite.

I like this for it's style and because of Lane. Well done.

[hangedkay]

Thanks. Asimov wrote so much and in so many different styles and about so many different subjects, there is something for most everyone in there, if one can only find it.

[adoptedwriter]

“ or those who are not aware, psychohistory is a type of large-scale fortune telling, a science which the main character uses to foresee the upcoming fall of a galactic empire and the massive dark age to follow, an impending reality that this character then tries to manipulate just enough to mitigate the oncoming harm.” This whole paragraph resonates w me. It’s like the adage about not learning from history makes you more destined to repeat it.

[hangedkay]

The difficulty is in putting that learning into effect going forward. So much of standard "learning" about history is memorizing names and dates, whereas real learning allows one to create new and better approaches for dealing with the next thing that comes along. Something our schools are generally still poor at teaching.

[roina_arwen]

I rather adore this type of writing, that appears to be an essay (and may be based on RL experience) but then takes that left turn at Albuquerque (to steal from Bugs Bunny) and winds up with a SciFi bent. Well done!

[hangedkay]

I tried to take that left turn at Albuquerque once. Wound up in Phoenix at midnight and it was 100F.
Bugs didn't know what worse fate he avoided.

Thanks - I tend to like to sprinkle my reality and fiction around together. I do feel bad sometimes when people believe it is real for too long. I used to start out with "everything I say is a lie". But, well, that is a lie too... :)

"If you don't know me by now..."

[halfshellvenus]

I was raised to try to be good at everything, though not every instrument-- just the ones I'd chosen. And it was hard enough growing up that way, without trying to cover all of the infinite possibilities!

It also made me very much a goal-oriented person, which is not always a great way to enjoy life. I made a concerted effort to enjoy the "now" when our kids were growing up, and that worked out well. It still all went by too fast, though!

But if you combine goal-oriented with the tendency to endure bad circumstances until they change (sometimes with a self-imposed time-limit)... that's still basically also living in the future. I have got to get a handle on that problem, one of these days. \o?

[hangedkay]

For some reason, this made me think of a very silly quote from Hudson Hawk:

"And happiness comes from the achievement of goals. It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of nineteen, it's hard to keep coming up with new ones. But now, finally, I've got myself a new goal... World domination!"

I think in the end, it really is a balance - of being in the now and still looking out for the future, while reflecting at times on the past. All things in moderation and all that. No matter what though, time passes much too fast.

[inkstainedfingertips]

I have not read the Foundation series, but this piece makes me want to. There's a strong almost biographical feeling in your words and I love where you took this piece. I enjoyed this. Thank you.

[hangedkay]

I actually like Asimov's short stories more than his epic Foundation / Robots / Galactic Empire series of books, but they are all interesting and thought-provoking reads. He was really brilliant.

I am glad you enjoyed.

[yachiru]

I like how you convey the idea of "when am I an adult". 40? 50? When are you able to be smart and with it and know all the things is kinda an unreachable goal. :)

[hangedkay]

I know people in their 80s who still feel like they are in their 20s (other than physically of course). Becoming an adult is a never-ending and unachievable goal, imho. Then again, some of my friends kids seem to be adults at a very young age...

[murielle]

What an interesting entry! I read along wishing I'd had that kind of support and encouragement from family to try things, it was my inclination, but when I found something wasn't a good fit I was labeled a quitter. Okay. And then how you discovered the way your choices did come together. Brilliant! And the premise that we can get a do-over, as many as we want/need.

Yeah, I like this entry!

[hangedkay]

I was lucky enough to have parents who pushed me to try everything, but never pushed me beyond that. If I enjoyed it, they supported me. When I didn't, they let it go. Luckily (or maybe unluckily), I enjoyed most things. They were stuck doing so much driving me around...

Glad you liked it!

[alycewilson]

Interesting contemplations here. I like how it subtly builds to a science-fiction sort of ending.

[hangedkay]

I think it was Stephen King who said that when writing he likes to take normal situations and just add one unrealistic twist and see what happens. I guess I subscribe to that idea at times.

Glad it worked for you!

[xeena]

I too was raised to think about the future and rebelled preferring to think more in the present in my teens. That led to a couple of things I wish I'd done and are things i can't go back and do now but I don't do regrets either because I feel like they're a waste of energy plus I figure certain things have to fall into place in certain ways sometimes.
Now I'm all about focusing on the future especially as I'm dealing with an injury and healing etc. But I still make sure to enjoy the present too.

[hangedkay]

Like anything, it needs to be a balance. My friend growing up always used to spend all his money he got from working every week and when we got on his case he would say "what else is it for?" And he was both right and wrong I guess. But that attitude, even if the rest of us didn't quite go that far, kept a lot of us more carefree than our parents might have preferred.

[tonithegreat]

Thanks for this relatable piece that turned into quite a thinky-piece. It had me going into that uncomfortable philosophical space of questioning the existence of free will. This is what happens when you have philosophy professor friends. But if you mostly make choices that make sense where is the space for that free will? Is it stopping to smell the roses? Whimsy? I dunno, but I liked reading your piece here and the comments too.

[hangedkay]

The other direction lies flipping a coin (or rolling dice) - but even then, there are limited options most times, and obvious consequences we generally want to avoid. We are all free only within a narrow spectrum, if at all.

I miss deep and unanswerable philosophical discussions. My work life is much more cut and dry.